Sunday, January 11, 2009

i miss mommy

People are always asking how the five children are doing. Between Todd, grandparents, aunts, uncles, Amy, friends, and basketball, they are piecing a life together for themselves. It hasn’t been easy, but they are making their “new normal.”

Deb and I were helping Haden and Brooke clean their room over the holidays. Brooke had written all over her bed’s headboard…mostly names and flowers…but right over where she lays her head every night, she had written the plaintive words, “I miss mommy.” I think that says it all…we miss Mommy!


Saturday, January 10, 2009

not alone

I’ve been feeling better lately…since the holidays are over. I dreaded them and now they’re over, and I feel better. I feel better, that is, until I go to bed. I suppose that is when I have time to think. When I think, my thoughts go to how much I miss my sister and how I can’t believe she is really gone from us. I feel like I have a weight on my chest…I can hardly breathe…and I cry. I feel so alone.

Recently, I heard this song, by Meredith Andrews. It is titled, “You're Not Alone.” It’s just like God talked to me through it.

“I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life”

As Deuteronomy 31:6-7 says:

Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you.”

In my mind and in my heart, I know I’m not alone…I just forget it in my body and emotions sometimes…

Thank you, Father, for reminding me,

Thursday, January 8, 2009

when i call on jesus

I’ve been listening to a Nicole C. Mullen song this week. It is the same song that Brooke used to belt out when she was about three years old. She was going through a traumatic illness and transplant. The song is “When I Call on Jesus,” and I can’t help but think about how much it must have encouraged our Kathy in some of her darkest days. Some of the words are:

“I'm so very ordinary, nothing special on my own.
Oh, I have never walked on water,
And I have never calmed a storm.
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark

Weary brother, broken daughter,
widowed, widowed lover, you're not alone
If you're tired and scared of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on

When you call on Jesus,
All things are possible
You can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When you call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue you when you—"

This all reminds me of one of my favorite Bible verses, Isaiah 40:31:
“ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”

Here, in my weary and broken place, I’m calling on Jesus.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

painful and beautiful

I am so glad that 2008 is finally over! I have never lived through more difficult times. I would also have to say, though, that if I described the past months, I would have to admit that they have been the most painful I have ever lived, but also some of the most beautiful. How can that be?

This is what Jesus had to say: “…trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” John 16:33 The Message)

This is hard to understand…an oxymoron in nature…but it has happened in my life. The harder the world presses me, the closer I get to God. Horrible, difficult things push me into the arms of the One who loves me like no other has ever loved me…it is painful and beautiful, at the same time.