Sunday, February 22, 2009

story translated

I found the passage about Jesus weeping at Lazarus’ grave. It is in John Eldredge’s book, Desire. He says:
“ He (Jesus) then comes to the grave site and weeps. Certainly the tears were not for Lazarus, for according to Jesus, Lazarus is quite well. Jesus weeps for Martha and Mary and for all of us who suffer loss. I think he weeps not only for our loss, but also for our inability to see beyond it. Dare I say, sometimes our refusal to see beyond it?”

He goes on to quote John Donne’s words:
“All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language, and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators.: some pieces translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand is in every situation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again, for that library where every book shall lie open to one another.”

And our lives…our stories…so translated, will be the joy and the music of heaven…the whole reason Jesus came to redeem our souls. Our sorrow and our sadness…our sickness and our pain…our tears and our tiredness…all translated into the joy of Heaven (Wow! That’s a lot of joy!).

I can hardly wait!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

always love you

I miss you and the funny things you say
I remember every day
in a hundred different ways
I miss you being here with me
Though you've been set free
I hold you in my memory

There's one thing I want you to know:
No matter how far you go
I will always love you
Like a thousand rivers from my soul
I will always love you”

Performed by: Nicole C. Mullen

happy V-day, Sister,

Friday, February 13, 2009


Today has been a sad day for me. I’ve been tearful, and have felt jagged and raw. I got on a bike at the gym, this morning, and just cried and cried…all the time feeling like I was suffocating. I haven’t felt that way in some weeks, so I was trying to figure it out.

I picked up the little Hieberts Tuesday afternoon after school. I stopped by their house yesterday afternoon, and Nick, Brett, and Drew were playing catch in the front yard. It seems that when I spend time with them, I’m reminded of our profound loss and my heart breaks all over again. So, I suppose that is what started my tears once more.

I’m reminded of what I read recently about the possible cause of Jesus’ tears at the grave of Lazarus. The author proposed that perhaps Jesus wept because of the great pain and sadness he knew Lazarus’ sisters and friends were experiencing because of his death. I can understand this, because I want to weep whenever I am around Kathy’s motherless children. My heart literally hurts.

This is just another reminder of why Jesus is so precious to me. He knows where I live…and not only that, He lives here with me. He weeps with me. He feels my pain.

All that said, the sweetness in this day was that when I got to school, I was surrounded by my friends. They literally enveloped me with their love. God used them to help dry my tears and lift my spirits.

Thank you, Father, for being active and present in our joy and in our grief…but mostly in our grief.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

kathy finally said goodbye

Since Kathy left us, I have often wished that I would just have a short dream about her. It seems that when you think about someone so much you would surely dream about her…at least once. Well, it never happened…until last night…I finally had a dream about our Kathy, and it was a wonderful dream.

We (I think it was Deb and me) were at the first hospital, and Kathy was still dying…I’m certain of it…but her body didn’t appear to be broken and hurting. When we came toward her, she was smiling at us…delighted to see us. She didn’t say a word, but she gave me a big hug. It was the best hug I’ve ever had, and there was a feeling of incredible recognition, happiness, and love.

I feel like Kathy finally said goodbye to me, and I’ve been smiling all day.


Sunday, February 1, 2009

donkey on the edge

Our Kathy was a funny person. She was always repeating catchy little phrases for particular moments in life. One of my favorites was her “Donkey” quotation from the movie, Shrek. Any time she was talking about being stressed out, she would say she was “a donkey on the edge.”

Since her death, I have thought a lot about being “a donkey on the edge.” On the edge has been where I’ve been…on the edge, and seeming to barely hang-on-for-dear-life. Life has gone on around me, and the “busyness” of it has affected me like hearing fingernails scraping on a chalkboard. My nerves have seemed raw and exposed…and this has made me feel fragile…unable to take on a lot of extra emotional “stuff.”

Since Christmas, though, it seems I have “turned a corner.” Life (and my nerves) seem to be mellowing out…I’m more normal…less fragile…more ready to “take on the world. I can still feel “frayed,” but mostly, if I get enough rest, I’m feeling better.

I have been thinking about the “grace notes” that God has been leaving in my life, and I want to write about those in the coming days.

And for those “donkey on the edge” days, I just have to depend on Him more and fall into Him…that’s where I find rest.