...tears...again...

Today has been a sad day for me. I’ve been tearful, and have felt jagged and raw. I got on a bike at the gym, this morning, and just cried and cried…all the time feeling like I was suffocating. I haven’t felt that way in some weeks, so I was trying to figure it out.

I picked up the little Hieberts Tuesday afternoon after school. I stopped by their house yesterday afternoon, and Nick, Brett, and Drew were playing catch in the front yard. It seems that when I spend time with them, I’m reminded of our profound loss and my heart breaks all over again. So, I suppose that is what started my tears once more.

I’m reminded of what I read recently about the possible cause of Jesus’ tears at the grave of Lazarus. The author proposed that perhaps Jesus wept because of the great pain and sadness he knew Lazarus’ sisters and friends were experiencing because of his death. I can understand this, because I want to weep whenever I am around Kathy’s motherless children. My heart literally hurts.

This is just another reminder of why Jesus is so precious to me. He knows where I live…and not only that, He lives here with me. He weeps with me. He feels my pain.

All that said, the sweetness in this day was that when I got to school, I was surrounded by my friends. They literally enveloped me with their love. God used them to help dry my tears and lift my spirits.

Thank you, Father, for being active and present in our joy and in our grief…but mostly in our grief.

g

kathy finally said goodbye

Since Kathy left us, I have often wished that I would just have a short dream about her. It seems that when you think about someone so much you would surely dream about her…at least once. Well, it never happened…until last night…I finally had a dream about our Kathy, and it was a wonderful dream.

We (I think it was Deb and me) were at the first hospital, and Kathy was still dying…I’m certain of it…but her body didn’t appear to be broken and hurting. When we came toward her, she was smiling at us…delighted to see us. She didn’t say a word, but she gave me a big hug. It was the best hug I’ve ever had, and there was a feeling of incredible recognition, happiness, and love.

I feel like Kathy finally said goodbye to me, and I’ve been smiling all day.

g

donkey on the edge

Our Kathy was a funny person. She was always repeating catchy little phrases for particular moments in life. One of my favorites was her “Donkey” quotation from the movie, Shrek. Any time she was talking about being stressed out, she would say she was “a donkey on the edge.”

Since her death, I have thought a lot about being “a donkey on the edge.” On the edge has been where I’ve been…on the edge, and seeming to barely hang-on-for-dear-life. Life has gone on around me, and the “busyness” of it has affected me like hearing fingernails scraping on a chalkboard. My nerves have seemed raw and exposed…and this has made me feel fragile…unable to take on a lot of extra emotional “stuff.”

Since Christmas, though, it seems I have “turned a corner.” Life (and my nerves) seem to be mellowing out…I’m more normal…less fragile…more ready to “take on the world. I can still feel “frayed,” but mostly, if I get enough rest, I’m feeling better.

I have been thinking about the “grace notes” that God has been leaving in my life, and I want to write about those in the coming days.

And for those “donkey on the edge” days, I just have to depend on Him more and fall into Him…that’s where I find rest.

g

i miss mommy

People are always asking how the five children are doing. Between Todd, grandparents, aunts, uncles, Amy, friends, and basketball, they are piecing a life together for themselves. It hasn’t been easy, but they are making their “new normal.”

Deb and I were helping Haden and Brooke clean their room over the holidays. Brooke had written all over her bed’s headboard…mostly names and flowers…but right over where she lays her head every night, she had written the plaintive words, “I miss mommy.” I think that says it all…we miss Mommy!

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not alone

I’ve been feeling better lately…since the holidays are over. I dreaded them and now they’re over, and I feel better. I feel better, that is, until I go to bed. I suppose that is when I have time to think. When I think, my thoughts go to how much I miss my sister and how I can’t believe she is really gone from us. I feel like I have a weight on my chest…I can hardly breathe…and I cry. I feel so alone.

Recently, I heard this song, by Meredith Andrews. It is titled, “You're Not Alone.” It’s just like God talked to me through it.

“I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
saying
You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life”

As Deuteronomy 31:6-7 says:

“Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you.”

In my mind and in my heart, I know I’m not alone…I just forget it in my body and emotions sometimes…

Thank you, Father, for reminding me,
g

when i call on jesus

I’ve been listening to a Nicole C. Mullen song this week. It is the same song that Brooke used to belt out when she was about three years old. She was going through a traumatic illness and transplant. The song is “When I Call on Jesus,” and I can’t help but think about how much it must have encouraged our Kathy in some of her darkest days. Some of the words are:

“I'm so very ordinary, nothing special on my own.
Oh, I have never walked on water,
And I have never calmed a storm.
Sometimes I'm hiding away from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark

Weary brother, broken daughter,
widowed, widowed lover, you're not alone
If you're tired and scared of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on

When you call on Jesus,
All things are possible
You can mount on wings like eagles' and soar
When you call on Jesus,
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to come rescue you when you—"

This all reminds me of one of my favorite Bible verses, Isaiah 40:31:
“ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.”

Here, in my weary and broken place, I’m calling on Jesus.
g

painful and beautiful

I am so glad that 2008 is finally over! I have never lived through more difficult times. I would also have to say, though, that if I described the past months, I would have to admit that they have been the most painful I have ever lived, but also some of the most beautiful. How can that be?

This is what Jesus had to say: “…trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.” John 16:33 The Message)

This is hard to understand…an oxymoron in nature…but it has happened in my life. The harder the world presses me, the closer I get to God. Horrible, difficult things push me into the arms of the One who loves me like no other has ever loved me…it is painful and beautiful, at the same time.

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